I am coming back here to write because I am taking back up on what I started and also taking on the difficult challenge of finding my voice and using it without fear of backlash or anyone’s disapproval. If I can’t walk my talk, I don’t have much business reminding others to be authentic and live their lives true to what they’re really about. Brené Brown is a fantastic inspirational kick to my butt. She shared that she herself struggles with what she goes out there and talks authentically about—vulnerability.
I sometimes suck at authenticity. I sit there paralyzed with made up assumptions that I’m going to be blacklisted from society or people are going to see me as someone that needs to be stuck in an insane asylum. I studied psychology, so some weird part of me likes to pathologize the insanity of being authentic. The sobering thing is, inauthenticity is truly insane and psychologically unhealthy.
Over time, it erodes away at our trust in ourselves, our abilities, and our resources. It eats up our creative spark. It deadens our emotions. It deflates our fun. This shows up through us not showing up fully, not having our energy charged, and half-assing our way through life. According to the wisdom of Ron Swanson, we need to be whole-assing our way through life.
Inauthenticity siphons reserves of your energy over time and numbs your ability to really feel the vibrancy of being alive. It can be a helluva thing to do, to show up as who you are and live the way you mean to live. If you’re already doing this, bravo! If you’re struggling and feeling like chicken poo, you are not alone.
I put some of my books on my desk. The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Patrick Carnes, The Empath’s Survival Guide by Dr. Judith Orloff, The Ultimate Guide to the Rider Waite Tarot by Fiebig and Burger, Jung and Tarot by Sallie Nichols, A Little Bit of Tarot by Cassandra Eason. I also have a magazine on my desk on things like telomeres and the future of human genetic modification. I have my FYC DVD of Netflix’s The OA. These are wedged between two Brazilian agate bookends. There are scheelite, smoky quartz, rose quartz, black tourmaline, pietersite, dalmatian, and selenite stones sitting on my desk. There are other colleagues with stones at their desks. I have one who brought in his Rider-Waite deck to read with me. Another colleague has her Crystal Intentions Oracle: Guidance & Affirmations deck displaying her card of the day at her desk. At one of the largest entertainment corporations in the world!
We all have our day jobs as well as the full-time experience of being alive as spirits embodied by stardust, fire, air, and water on this planet. Some of us move on and successfully create our companies. I have met multimillionaires who have done this. The whole stereotype of the broke hippie is ridiculous and so is the stereotype of the wealthy hippie that pays too much to look like a bum. We need to do away with stereotypes altogether. I know that Aziz Ansari made a joke about out-woking and some people are now saying that being woke is going mainstream. Forget about that. Live your life. Fully. Don’t be afraid of people judging you. I was pleasantly surprised that my boyfriend’s family is receptive to me and the way I am. I was an orphan and have no family of my own. My boyfriend’s aunt saw my crystals and books, and came to talk about my somatic experiencing nervous system healing therapy and the book I was reading. I’m going to send her an email with crystals and recommendations on how to keep the vibes in the house easygoing and congenial. She didn’t have a freakout that I was a devil worshipper or anything. Quite the contrary, she lit up and shared a story about healers in the Philippines. Another relative, an uncle, had a talk with me about déjà vu and intuition.
I’m open to everyone to seeing and hearing me the way I am. My life partner, colleagues, people walking down the street. They can like or dislike me as they please. In the workplace, I don’t need anyone to like me personally, I just need them to trust me. Whatever their opinion of me is, it doesn’t matter. I have their back. My life partner accepts me the way I am. My colleagues and I have a great rapport together.
A lot has happened from 2017 to now. It’s a lot to share with you. I will share in another post following this one. I didn’t just vanish because I’m cringy about writing my real thoughts on things. Writing wasn’t making me money. Neither was recording YouTube videos, even if I found that many people were very receptive and supportive. My health was in a bad place. I really had to get my stuff together to afford the lifestyle and resources I needed to take care of my health. My health alone is a full-time job. I live with a neuromuscular disorder, a congenital neurovascular malformation, and the aftermath of a traumatic brain injury. I’ve learned ways to raise my vibrational frequency to facilitate the healing and empowerment I need in life. I’ve also learned practices and healing modalities to clear out energy blocks and seal energy drains so that my body can dedicate more of its energetic resources towards healing and empowerment. This has elevated my quality of life dramatically. A friend recently came to my new home and said, “Wow, you’ve really leveled up.” I have.
I’ll talk to you next time!
P.S. Fun fact: The featured image of a train station on this post was designed to be like a woman’s reproductive organs 🙂