Jazz plays in the background. Joe Henderson’s La Mesha. I just went through this entire blog and set all previous posts to private. “Nice diary,” someone said when they read a few pages of the book I wrote. I wonder if there are parts of it which need to be deleted. “You’re going to listen to the opinion of an ignorant moron who has no grasp on the bigger truth? Who has no idea what you really put into the book you wrote? Do you think it’s just a book?” were the words of my former mentor.
I don’t know what to think, honestly. The decades of constant hellfire I’ve lived through have come to a ceasefire. On this playing field, I’m a beginner. I’m new here. If you’re a noob playing World of Warcraft, you can get pwned by a creature called a murloc. The more you proceed further, you reach new levels and acclimate every time you reach a new level. This is my nerdy way of letting you know that you will always be a beginner. Your level of awareness will continually shift. You are not the person you were five seconds ago. Accepting this is a spiritually refreshing way to live.
I don’t really know the person I was when I wrote that book. When I wrote those posts. Those times up until about April 20th were constantly jarring. I’m getting to know who I am now.
I had a meditative conversation with my tarot deck this morning. Someone asked me if I read I Ching. It’s next on my list of divinatory skills to acquire. For now, the 78 cards of the tarot are my primary. It’s important to ask the right questions to get the right answers. I tell my clients this when they consult with me so that neither of our time will be wasted. The Magician card showed up as what I needed to do in my current life situation.
Manifest what? 8 of Cups, Devil, Prince of Pentacles. A way to move on, extricate myself from binds of fear and the tyranny of situations past and hold my ground as I move into a stable situation on my own terms.
How can I do that? 3 of Cups. Community support, receive encouragement from others, do not rely solely on overanalyzing. Allow myself to feel my way through. Be joyful and glad for life. Raise my vibrational frequency. Moon. Heal the fears, especially the deeper wounds. Queen of Cups. Take care of myself. World. You are so gifted and capable, dear, you’ve come so far. Recognize this. Take a look at yourself and go forward confidently… 7 of Swords. Put down the fight. Let it go. King of Cups. Rise sovereign as your new self.
So, here I am. A beginner. Shoshin (初心) is a Zen Buddhist term to describe the beginner’s mind. Adopting this is a transformative revolution for your mindset which will accelerate your personal evolution. You’re not going to get it until you try it. At first, it could get wild. Then, the raging fires of resistance become the most ineffable peace you’d never known could exist.
Here’s a book recommendation for all you peaceful warriors out there: No Time to Lose: A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva by Pema Chödrön.
See you later.